The Battle of the Century

I was reading one of my daily feeds the other day and I saw a review of a science book that involves the question of whether or not animals (and particularly chimpanzees) have theory of mind. You can read the review here. My immediate reaction was to say to Amy "seriously, if I find out that chimpanzees have theory of mind and Mowgli doesn't, I am going to be pissed." For those of you that read this blog, or have researched the topic, theory of mind is the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own. It is something that children with autism struggle with, and it is one of the great impediments to social/emotional development. Apparently it isn't out of the realm of possibility that chimpanzees have it in some rudimentary form. Really science? I need to be told that a chimpanzee has a step up on my son? So I got to thinking - in a head to head competition between Mowgli and chimpanzees, a best of seven battle royal, who would come out victorious?

[For those of you who personally struggle with theory of mind, or have absolutely no sense of humor, this post is intended to be a joke - it kills me that I have to write that, but there are a number of people out there who I know would take this seriously if I I didn't]

I. Theory of Mind: As stated above, apparently the chimp has it, and Mowgli doesn't. Chimp 1 - Mowgli 0

II. The Potty: Mowgli, though slow with his potty training, has made some progress over the past year, though regressions (like this week) are always right around the corner. For the most part, he goes number one on the potty. As for number two, he has figured out that he has to run into the bathroom and close the door, though he still utilizes the diaper for the actual event. Apparently, according to my research, one of the reasons that chimps make lousy house pets (thank you internet for a number of articles on this subject) is that they can't be potty trained. Additionally, they like to play with and sometimes eat their poo (they're looking for nutrient rich seeds inside). Though Mowgli has been known on occasion to schmeer - he has yet, to our knowledge, eaten it (a lot). As we can hope that eventually Mowgli will be trained, I'm going with him on this one. Chimp 1 - Mowgli 1

III. Violence: You remember that lady who had a chimp as a pet and got attacked? You don't? Feast your eyes on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Has Mowgli had his moments? Sure (read more about it here). Has he taken our faces off and danced a jig on our skull innards? Not yet. Win goes to Mowgli. Chimp 1 - Mowgli 2

IV. Sounds and Vocalizations: Chimps are among the noisiest of all wild animals and use a complicated system of sounds to communicate with each other. A loud "wraaa" call, which can be heard more than a mile away, warns of something unusual or disturbing. They "hoo-hoo-hoo," scream, grunt and drum on hollow trees with the flat of their hands, sometimes for hours. So does Mowgli.... It's a push. Chimp 1 - Mowgli 2

V. Socializing: Chimps touch each other a great deal and kiss when they meet. They also hold hands and groom each other. A chimp often has a special "friend" or companion with which it spends a lot of time. So does Mowgli (his name is Kevin by the way). Again, it's a push. Chimp 1 - Mowgli 2.

VI. Tools: Chimpanzees use large sticks and branches as clubs or throw them at enemies like leopards and humans. They also use grass stems or twigs as tools, poking them into termite or ant nests and eating the insects that cling to them. They are able to wedge nuts between the roots of a tree and break the shells open with a stone. Mowgli goes to occupational therapy three times a week - and he's doing the best he can damn it! Cut the guy some slack! The win goes to the chimp...for now. Chimp 2 - Mowgli 2.

VII. Intangibles: Though chimps hug, no one hugs like Mowgli. Though chimps have been known to express complex emotions, they don't have a smile that melts your heart. He's a one of a kind kid, and I wouldn't trade him for any chimp in the world. That said, I'm sure this post will be widely circulated when I'm having my face surgically reconstructed, as "Dad's famous last words".

Mowgli wins 3-2.